Submiteed by Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali After becoming a mom for the first time, I had very high expectations for myself and my children. I wanted to be the perfect mom who would raise perfect kids. Parents won't be surprised to learn that my expectations quickly produced anxiety and lots of hair pulling. I needed to get real. So I sat down and created a vision for myself. I actually wrote it down. It included spending quality time with my family and quality time with myself. It included helping others too. The vision helped me find balance in my life, and I'm happy to report that my vision is being realized. Recently I was able to show my kids where I grew up in Nigeria and we were also able to show them London on the trip. The vacation was amazing! I had time to rejuvenate, eat tons of food, hang out with friends and family, and I was spoiled by my parents 😊. I am determined to help other busy moms achieve fulfillment in their lives via my work as a therapist and life coach. I know that it's possible to be a working mom who has a happy personal life because I'm doing it!
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Submitted by Maggie I love Facebook. It lets me catch up with old friends, share news, and learn more about the world - even fake news. But Facebook becomes the enemy when I read about the accomplishments of my friends’ children. Though I delight in their news and smile at their many accomplishments, I feel envy and a touch of exasperation - this could have been my child. Our son Daniel is on the autism spectrum. At age two he was diagnosed for PDD/autism and began a long road of intensive therapy and development. This forced a decision on my husband and me; who would stay at home to become his full time caregiver, therapy administrator, and advocate? My husband, Dave, volunteered to take on that role. It's a role that all the training in the world never prepares you for; staying home with a special needs child. I continued working, and thankfully I was capable of taking on the role of breadwinner. Daniel is now 21 years old and has very limited communication skills. When he is able to connect daily events and report back on a day’s activities, I want to post about it and sing his praises. But I fear that his stories about stocking candies at Walgreens and spotting rainbows, which are delivered in one-two word sentences, might sound trivial and banal to the average Facebook friend even though we know the effort required for him might be equivalent to another child making the honor roll. When he's able to make a connection and tell us about it, it brings a level of joy I wish I could share with others, but I get that most wouldn't understand or appreciate it. There is a poem that I keep close and read often. It’s called Welcome to Holland, and it speaks about raising a special needs child and the different experiences you discover along the way. The experiences are different than what you probably expected, but not at all bad. A mother once told me that the secret to parenting is to be long on patience while maintaining a sense of humor. Special needs parents also need to persevere in a way that most parents can't understand. This means looking for the "honor roll accomplishment" in everything that their special needs child does. It may not be Facebook material, but it certainly is wonderful for me,
Submitted by Jessica Duff As a working parent, few things are as discouraging as not being able to leave work to take your sick child to the doctor! Recently I ran into this situation while trying to schedule a doctor’s appointment for my 8-month-old son for a possible ear infection. As a busy working mom with two kiddos, finding the time to step away to take my son to the doctor seemed impossible. Then a friend helped me realize that I shouldn't complain or feel bad about the situation. She pointed out the silver lining: I am able to provide medical care for my child because I am a working parent. It really doesn't matter who takes him to the doctor. My husband and I both have busy work schedules, but we make time for our kids whenever possible. Luckily, we have amazing family in town who can help out at a moment's notice. I have a great family, supportive (and insightful) friends, and a baby on the mend. Who could ask for more?
Submitted by Jaiess Rabbit I am a mother who has Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety and Agoraphobia. My son has ADHD and ODD. We're on our own, and even though we face many challenges, funny things happen to us, and I blog about them. I also blog about my experiences with mental illness and depression. Those stories aren't funny. I swear, cook, clean, yell, talk, and calm … before breakfast most mornings. I'm also unemployed. I want to work, but I'm not sure I can offer an employer the consistency they need right now. Still, I remain hopeful that my son will make enough progress to enable me to find a job soon. Parenting is always difficult, and most parents will probably agree that it requires flexibility, adaptation and the ability to learn, invent, and implement problem-solving skills on a regular basis. With a special-needs child I feel like these skills are critically important and I'm developing them to the fullest. When my son had alienated all of his classmates to the point that I felt it would be impossible for him to recover, I found a new school for him that was better at meeting his needs. Then I convinced him that he needed to change his own behavior in order to improve his situation. And guess what? It worked! Things aren't perfect, but they have definitely improved. I hope that the skills I've needed to develop as a parent will be of value to an employer at some point in the future. If you are a working parent dealing with similar issues, I'm eager to hear how you've overcome them to establish a career for yourself. Please leave comments below or visit my blog. Thank you. Submitted by Tina Schmiedel After our third child was born, my husband and I were discussing whether or not I should stop working to stay home with our kids. My oldest daughter, who was 11-years-old at the time, joined the conversation to inform me that I wouldn't be happy if I didn't work and that working made me the "best mom". That comment put a smile on my face, because, of course, she was right.
Submitted by Modern Cynical Dad "Full-time Mummy/Daddy" is a term that irks both my wife and me because it is usually used in the context of a career choice. The distaste for the term is not aimed at the individual who chooses to use it, nor the choice that person makes. It bothers us because parenting is not, in any way, a career.
Use of the term suggests that those of us who pursue careers (by choice or not) are less committed as parents. Of course, I am not naïve. I don’t really believe that other parents mean to imply that, but sometimes it is interpreted that way. My wife and I both have full-time careers. She is an Advisor for a well-known optometrist and runs her own business. I am an Area Manager for an equally well-known retailer in the UK.
Submitted by Susan Sarate
As a wife and mother to two kids, I've always wanted the best for my family. I was raised by a strong mother and great father and feel so thankful that I grew up in a happy home. My mom, who raised me back in the 70s, convinced me that when a mom worked the kids lost out and the mother would eventually be filled with regret. I believed her. Why wouldn't I? She was a great mother and full of fun. She made our lives fun. The thing is, back in 2006, just as my own family was taking shape, she died. She didn't live long enough to answer my questions, understand my family dynamics, or witness the changes that have occurred over the last ten years.
Submitted by Jon Thorne (The New Papa) While I was in the expecting stages of becoming The New Papa, a wise father told me that a man could never truly know fear until he has a child. Now, this father was similar to me in that his son was born to him in his mid-40s. What was different was that his son had severe health problems, needing surgery and intensive medical care. At that time, I simply played off the idea that this father had had a rare experience and his ideas of fear came from a unique place. His experience was his own and mine would be totally different. I wouldn't fear anything. Of course, I was totally wrong. I was very fortunate that my beautiful baby boy was born very healthy. Yet, that idea of truly knowing fear came at me fast and furious, even before my boy was born. During my wife's labor, as she lay on the delivery table waiting for her water to break, a sudden alarm came blasting through our phones. This was followed by a 6.6 magnitude earthquake. Now, I'm from California and am quite experienced with earthquakes. I can usually brush them off pretty instantly. Not this time. My heart sank. I froze in terror. I was waiting for everything to come crashing down, being on the fifth floor of the hospital. All my golden dreams of the picture perfect family turned into a bloody mess of carnage underneath the rubble and dust of a flattened building. Obviously that did not happen. The doctors came in and were quite reassuring, but I still asked if I could have my own epidural. My legs shook the rest of the day, even after the delivery was over and I was at home finally trying to get some sleep. It kept running through my head: such a fragile creature I just created. How the hell could the human race have survived this long?!? It was the first of many sleepless nights. Even now, after my seasoned fatherhood of 11 months, that fear remains. I'm still waiting for it all to come crashing down. New fears now dominate my thoughts: is he eating enough, did I proof the house enough, is my wife too stressed, am I holding him too much or not enough, what's that new rash on his leg, shouldn't he be walking by now, is he crying all day when I'm at work, what if I lose my job, is my health strong enough to do this, what if I die? The weight of it all is immense. I haven't yet learned how to shake it completely off, but I do have some ideas on how to manage it all. I feel that in order to manage fear, you have to be able to understand where the fear comes from. For me it's pretty simple, I'm a control freak. I've said it before, I've always had a basic lack of trust in people. This has led me to avoid accepting help from others, the prideful vanity of doing everything on my own and my own way. I've noticed the fearful thoughts are the loudest as I'm on my way to work, from the moment I step out of the house. It's at that point I give up all control and the symphony of worry begins. It generally lasts all day until I return home and pick up my son. It's a horrible way to spend the day. It causes me to make many decisions based on the fear. I can't go out for a coffee after work, I need to get home immediately. I can't buy that new bag for work, all my money needs to be saved for emergencies. I can't complain to my wife about anything because she's already stressed and tired. It's not healthy, and not what my son or wife needs. Thus, another lesson for The New Papa to learn: you can't control everything all the time. I have to believe in my wife, that she has the power to be an amazing and caring mother. I have to believe in my son, that he has the power within him to grow strong and independent. I have to believe in myself, that I have the power to truly put my thoughts and focus on the areas that I can and should control. I cannot make another decision rooted in fear. Only sorrow and misery will sprout. I want my family to be surrounded by trees of hope! Another wise friend (really lucky to have so many wise people in my life) once wrote that the lack of peace in most people's lives comes from living in fear of a future that may never even happen. It's time to start living in the joy of a future that will eventually come true!
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