Submitted by The Mama Politic My husband and I both work. I'm an academic researcher. He's a sociologist. We have a daughter who recently turned one and older children from my husband's previous marriage. For now we're prioritizing my career, although neither of us is slacking on the job. His strong support is enabling me to advance in my dream job as an applied research faculty member at a large university. I feel lucky to have his backing along with somewhat flexible work hours. We also have great daycare which we appreciate. Our caregiver is wonderful, and our daughter appears to be thriving. Lots of things are going really well. Still, it isn't easy. One of the things I find hardest about being a working parent is balancing career objectives with this feeling that I need to "do it all". And look fantastic doing it! As the sole cook in our family (long story), I need to get dinner ready each evening. Given my food allergies, this takes some extra effort. And to make things extra challenging, my daughter just started becoming incredibly fussy when we get home at the end of the day. Trying to make dinner and keep her happy is starting to feel like a losing battle. Between my Type A personality that has me wanting to make a great dinner and her unabated screaming, feelings of frustration and uselessness often take over. Hopefully this is a temporary phase. One way I am staying motivated is by training myself to say, "Screw that!" to a lot of things. I didn't puree my daughter's food when she was younger, I don't make bento boxes, and right now I just feed my daughter everything we eat - spices and all. She has slept in her own crib since day one, and I never breastfed because post partum depression required me to take a mood stabilizer. Sometimes I feel like I can't possibly be "enough" at home. Interestingly, many things seem to come more naturally to my husband than they do to me. Maybe it's because he has older children and has done this before. Still, I feel like I need to do it all, or at least I want to do it all. These feelings and challenges are helping me learn the value of prioritization. As I ponder the way we negotiate this life, I think about my need for my husband to support my career goals and understand my need to go to work every day. We are far from perfect, but he definitely has my back professionally. This may be difficult for some couples to understand. Maybe the fact that we both had working moms is why it feels right to us. Some friends who don't get it give me flak. They warn me that I'll regret not putting our daughter to bed every single night, and they're concerned that I've never cried when I've taken her to daycare. When our daughter was six months old, I changed jobs so I could spend more time with her, but some still seem concerned for me. My husband and I take this all in. We also know that our daughter is healthy, happy, and developmentally on track. She clearly loves us. Because we need our work to feel fulfilled, we truly believe that we're making choices that are best for her, our marriage and our family. It just feels right.
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Inspired by the Harvard Business Review podcast: "Couples That Work" About two months after our second child was born, I was interviewing for a new job. I'd spent the previous few years at a start-up that never came close to delivering the compensation I'd walked away from with my previous employer. So when I received a respectable offer to return to that "previous employer" as a contractor, and in a role I'd filled right out of college nine years earlier, I felt relieved, encouraged, and happy to get my foot back in the door. But my husband didn't feel the same way. He told me that if I took that job I'd "ruin the family name" because I was overqualified for it and capable of more. He thought I needed to continue my search until I found a position that better aligned with my experience and provided compensation that aligned with that experience. That wasn't exactly the encouraging response I was expecting, so I paused, and then I took his advice. A month later I landed a much better offer for a position that required the experience I'd acquired and would compensate me accordingly. My husband's surprising encouragement to walk away from the "lesser" offer really caught me off guard. I'd always appreciated that he supported me, but I'd never realized how much he respected my capabilities. It was a huge confidence booster, and in hindsight, a defining moment that kept my career on track at a time when it could have easily been derailed. (It's also worth mentioning that by pushing me to take on more responsibility at work, demands on his time at home were certainly going to increase, so he didn't have much to gain by pushing me to strive for more.) Of course I ended up taking the better offer, and I never looked back. It turns out that this kind of "tough love" advice is a trait found within successful dual career couples according to an interesting Harvard Business Review podcast called "Couples That Work". Guest Jennifer Petriglieri calls this providing a "secure base" and points out that this kind of encouragement, when one spouse actually pushes the other to move further outside the relationship, is how we thrive, develop and grow. Interestingly, it's often the same kind of encouragement we give to our children to ensure they become capable adults. Any couple that wants to strengthen their relationship and career opportunities should listen to at least the first 10 minutes of this podcast.
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Submitted by Tina Schmiedel After our third child was born, my husband and I were discussing whether or not I should stop working to stay home with our kids. My oldest daughter, who was 11-years-old at the time, joined the conversation to inform me that I wouldn't be happy if I didn't work and that working made me the "best mom". That comment put a smile on my face, because, of course, she was right.
There it was again: the “sting”. Let me explain what I mean. I was talking to another mother about my work and how I manage it all; young children, an 80% work schedule, and a husband who is out-of-town traveling for business most week days. The other mother, who works a 40% schedule, has grown children, and a husband who is home most evenings, asked, "How can you work that much? You don’t have any time with your kids." Ouch. That hurt.
I noticed that I became defensive when I replied to her, “I have time with my kids in the mornings and evenings, on the weekends, and during our joint vacations. And all my female colleagues in the United States work full time, and they often have more children than I do.” Why did this bother me so much? I think it was because her statement implied a judgement; she does it right, and I do it wrong. These opinions and judgments often come from mothers who have the luxury to work just a “little” or not at all. And sometimes their judgments contain defensiveness because my situation highlights the fact that they could be working and earning more. Why can’t mothers respect each others' choices? Why do some feel compelled to provide opinions and even judgments? Do fathers criticize their peers who work full-time and/or travel as part of their jobs? It makes me sad that women and mothers criticize each others' career choices. Maybe we do it because we sometimes have more choices about our lifestyles. And women probably spend a lot more time than men questioning whether or not we've made the best choices for our families and ourselves. But, please, do not burden your fellow sisters. Let's support each others' decisions. That would be much more helpful for ourselves, our children, and our society. We're all trying to do the best we can! Recently a hard-working and much admired mother read one of our stories and commented that stay-at-home parents and working parents all want similar things. I totally agree. I've yet to meet a parent who isn't striving to do their best whether they work full-time, focus on their family full-time, or something in between. All parents I encounter seem to want the best for their children, their partner, their parents, their siblings, their friends, and their employer (when they have one). I'm guessing there are people out there who aren't trying their hardest, but I don't know them. For years I've suggested that any parent who wants to make a case for leaving the workforce to stay home full-time should gather data points from working parents. We've got some real horror stories about our own missteps and the consequences, but we're careful about sharing them. So why focus exclusively on stories of inspiration and encouragement for working parents?
The great thing about the Internet is that there is something for almost everyone. Stay-at-home moms are able to access a ton of info to support, encourage, and enhance their lifestyle. Stay-at-home dads are also popping up all over the blogosphere and on Twitter and Instagram. Some are especially funny and entertaining. And now, Working Parents have another resource designed to inspire, encourage, and support their lifestyle. Oh, and we try to find a little humor in our missteps too. Thanks for reading the stories!
On many Monday mornings (or Tuesdays for that matter :) I used to wake up with my mind spinning: “I am tired. I don’t want to go to work. How much longer do I have to go through this? Maybe I should just quit my job.”
But despite my inner dialogue, I managed to get up, get dressed, help my kids get dressed, make breakfast, and then, luckily, after the first cup of coffee, I felt better and more energized as I started my day. One thought that really helps me get through my days now are the words a colleague (also a working mom) once told me: Take it one day at a time. Submitted by Kathleen Helbling It's interesting and encouraging to read these stories about working parents. I was a teacher and have been retired for a while now. How far things have come since my own mother and father were making choices about their careers and family.
After World War II, it was no longer socially acceptable for women to have careers of their own. My mom had a degree in nursing and amazing business skills, but did not pursue a career; instead she took care of our home and us children. She did take care of the family finances, but people at church told her that she was reducing her husband (my dad) by doing that. Interestingly, he didn't want to manage the finances, and in fact, didn't do it very well. Copied with permission from the Preface to the book Running for Office, Getting yourself elected to the career you really want by Mary Anne Gale with Shelley Cowan Continued from Work and Life: Inseparable Twelve years and three children later, I had served in a number of business and technical roles at the Cheboygan plant. My mangers told me that, if I wanted to continue with P&G and reach my goal of becoming a plant manager, I would have to accept a position in another location. But relocation posed a significant problem for my marriage. By 1985, Bob [my husband] had left teaching for a career in real estate; we owned properties throughout northern Michigan. He would have to sell everything and start over, which wasn't practical. He didn't want to give up his career any more than I wanted to give up mine. Having already been married for a number of years, Bob and I had a strong relationship. We respected each other's professional aspirations; we also knew how much work it took to balance our careers with our desires for a strong, connected family. After much deliberation, we agreed to try a dual-location marriage. |
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