Inspired by a Freakonomics interview with Indra Nooyi Recently, while listening to a Freakonomics podcast called "A Conversation with PepsiCo C.E.O. Indra Nooyi" something was said that got me thinking. Indra was describing her daughter's school and how they hosted a weekly "class coffee with mothers" on Wednesday mornings at 9:00 am. Because she worked, it wasn't practical for her to attend most of the gatherings. Apparently her daughter highlighted each of her absences by providing a list of the mothers who had attended each week. Indra was clever (she calls it "coping"); she eventually called the school and asked for a list of mothers who didn't attend regularly and provided that list to her daughter in rebuttal. That story instantly took me back to the years when my husband and I franticly juggled classroom volunteering with our careers. I enjoyed volunteering and learned a lot about my kids, their teachers, their friends and their learning. But even today it elicits feelings of stress, and I find myself questioning whether or not it was worth it. But I know exactly why I did it; I was afraid that my kids' teachers would treat them differently if I didn't. (Who knows whether I was right or wrong?!) I've heard that some parents pressure teachers to let them in the classroom, and that not all teachers want parents in the classroom. (It has to be a challenge to manage all those volunteer slots while garnering parental approval at the same time.) I'd guess that some parents are very helpful and others may create more work than they're worth. If we truly want our daughters to have as many opportunities as our sons, our sons to learn how to be supportive spouses, and everyone to be paid fairly, we need to stop and think about how we're asking our moms and dads (aka role models) to spend their time. We appear to be succeeding in terms of educating future mothers in the US; more women than men are now graduating from college. But we haven't yet figured out how to ensure they succeed at the same rate as men once they're pursuing careers; fewer mothers than fathers work outside the home, and many mothers who do work are underemployed by choice. We could pile on teachers and ask them to add even more to their overflowing plates as we try to figure out how to help our daughters achieve more career success, or better yet, let's help them out with this challenge. My suggestion: launch a #dadsinschools effort, meaning that we mothers should stop volunteering in schools and instead encourage dads (and only dads) to take on the classroom volunteer duties. This could change things. Profoundly. It would enable moms to focus more on their careers, and it would enable dads to learn more about their kids. And it might even help us, as a society, to understand how important we really think it is for parents to volunteer in the classroom.
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The idea of a children's book about working parents entered my mind the other day, and the title "Why Daddy Works" popped into my head. (My husband laughed out loud when I suggested it.) The funny thing is, the book already exists, and it's a relatively new one (2017). In fact, the Google search turned up the following, somewhat suprising, children's book titles:
This list was a lot more sobering than I expected. Which caused me to Google "Why Mommy Works". That search produced this list:
Apparently that last "book" isn't a book at all. Instead it is a comedy podcast. The word sobering would be an interesting descriptor here too ;) I don't remember our kids ever asking why we worked. Maybe it's because they never knew anything different. (And that reminds me of the recent story Transitioning to Daycare which provides insights from a former daycare teacher about a good age for your child to start going to daycare.) I had a whole 'nuther story in mind when I started this one, but figure you're busy, so decided this is enough info for one day.
Helpful advice from Miranda A parent wrapping up a parental leave, and getting ready to head back to work, reached out to an online forum as she prepared to transition her 5-month-old to daycare. She was looking for general advice and specifically wanted to know if it was OK to drop her baby off in PJs.
Lucky for her, Miranda, a former daycare teacher, responded with these valuable words of wisdom:
Inspired by an NPR Here and Now segment with Kathy Gunst Disclaimer: I have prepared very little food since college. It's not an activity I learned to enjoy, and people are rarely enthusiastic about the meals I prepare for them. I know this isn't "normal", and I have my excuses. Still, there are some ideas below that might help you. Yesterday morning a (6 min) NPR radio segment caught my attention; it was called, "Easy Recipes To Try When School Starts Up And Time Tightens". NPR's Here and Now resident chef, Kathy Gunst said, "If you hate making dinner, you gotta shift your head first." That got me thinking.
What if everyone in the family was on the look-out for good recipes? What if everyone in the family was incented to improve the efficiency of meal prep? What if everyone had to figure out which meals needed to be served on-the-go to accommodate activities and commitments? How would that look like in the future? Would your kids complain about this forced family time and how it harmed them? (They might!) Or maybe they'd have a collection of memories that others would envy. Maybe they'd learn valuable teamwork skills. Maybe they'd become especially hospitable as college students and adults. Could this serve them well as guests, spouses, or friends in the future? I wouldn't know. I don't have these skills, and we didn't go this route. But, if we had it to do all over again, I think we might give this a try.
Pointer to HP video and some statistics How many parents work outside the home in the US? We asked ourselves this question after watching a new and enlightening video made by HP; they asked a group of people, "What does the 'All-American Family' look like?" Then they shared some information that we found surprising. It got us thinking, so we went digging for more data. According to the US Bureau of Labor Statistics, within families that have children living at home (< 18 years old), these are the parents who worked outside the home in 2017:
View the BLS report Now you know even more about All-American Families; they are working hard.
When you do a lot of reading about working parents (like we do), there are a few topics that surface consistently, and one of them is guilt. Interestingly this word is rarely associated with working fathers. But it is common to read about working mothers who claim they are racked with it. I find this surprising and confusing. It's not that surprising (at least to me) that some people want working mothers to feel guilty. I get it, and I've met those people. Some people fear change, like the changes that have been occuring over the last 50 years as mothers' work has transitioned from home-based work, to less work (think washing machines and dishwashers), to paid work outside the home. Apparently those who are bothered by these changes want to either slow the pace of change or stop it completely so they try to convince mothers that it is somehow wrong when they strive to make contributions beyond the home and family. (Unless it's volunteer work. Apparently everyone admires volunteer work.) Dictionaries vary slightly when it comes to defining the word "guilt". For the purpose of this article, I prefer the definition found in the Cambridge English Dictionary; "a feeling of worry or unhappiness that you have because you have done something wrong, such as causing harm to another person". I get that some don't like change and want to discourage mothers from pursuing careers. Maybe they want to justify their own choices. Maybe they can't see how a mother's career, just like a father's career, can provide benefits for the children she is raising. Or maybe they don't like the fact that the presence of women often changes a work environment. But here's what I don't get; why do women waste time wrestling with these crazy and out-dated judgments? Given all of the research that shows that women who pursue careers often raise kids who become capable, happy adults (and sometimes the most capable, happy and fairly paid when they pursue careers of their own), isn't it crazy to feel guilty about working today? Some claim that a mother shouldn't work if her spouse makes enough money to cover necessities for the family. And I've never (and I mean never) heard anyone claim that a man ought to cut back the hours he works if he makes more than enough money to cover his family's necessities. I've also never heard anyone suggest that a father shouldn't work if his wife is able to support the family (although I do know of a few men who abondon their careers when this is true). If we're going to stop associating the word guilt with working mothers, and please, let's do this, mothers need to lead the way. If you are a mother (or father) and truly feel guilty about working (meaning you actually believe that you are hurting someone via your career) quit your job! A feeling of guilt implies you know you are doing something wrong and you shouldn't be doing it. So don't do it! Otherwise, don't let people scam you.
A somewhat comforting Tweet Most working parents are pretty good at managing logistics, especially schedules. If they're not naturally organized, most are able to manage at least the basics over time (out of necessity). That said, even the most organized among us makes a mistake every now and then. Which is why we found this Tweet somewhat comforting when we ran across it earlier this summer: Sometimes it's just nice to know we're not alone. Thank you for sharing, Dr. Dala!
Pointer to an inspirational video about biomedical engineer Amanda Miranda Working parents are often pleasantly surprised to learn that many things they learn on the job help them become better parents. And sometimes their experiences as parents help them become better employees, business owners, and caregivers. Only some have experienced the deep pain associated with losing a child and even fewer hare able to channel some of the associated learnings from that experience in ways that benefit their companies and other parents. But Amanda Miranda has done just that as a biomedical engineer with Medtroics. Read her story and watch the video about how she took advantage of a Medtronic program called Career 2.0 when she returned to work as a biomedical engineer after she and her husband lost their four-year-old son, Johnathan.
Three stories Recently we raised the topic of "Shared Parental Leave" in the story Mind The Gap. Earlier this year, the UK government launched a campaign to encourage more parents to consider shared parental leave options, and they published commentary from three couples with experience; Kate and Dominic, Andy and Emma, and Tom and Christina.
Check out the short stories if you want to hear about their experiences. Observation Parents regularly experience conflicting emotions. That's part of life. Good friends and supportive relatives listen sympathetically when we describe lumps in our throats after watching our child walk into a school for the first time, getting behind the wheel of a car for the first time, bounding into a college dorm after a holiday weekend, or accepting a job far away from home (or at least that place they used to call home). These people understand that while we may have fought back tears, we're also swelling with pride. We wouldn't have it any other way. These milestones mean that we've done our jobs, and truth be told, we fear the alternatives. Being able to experience sadness and joy at the same time proves that we're alive and that we have feelings. It's normal. So it is with great enthusiasm that I report on a growing trend I've noticed among young working parents; they seem very comfortable saying things like, "I was so sad when I dropped him off at daycare for the first time this morning, and it was so great to see my co-workers again after being gone for so long." Not so long ago it wasn't OK to express these conflicting emotions. But apparently now it is. That's progress!
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