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Index of Stories

"Laser Jock" Mom

10/6/2018

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Pointer to a video news conference with Dr. Donna Strickland
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"The world works best if we all do what we're good at."
On October 2, 2018 Dr. Donna Strickland was announced as a 2018 winner of the Nobel Prize in Physics. Dr. Strickland is an associate professor at the University of Waterloo who describes herself as a "laser jock". 

During an entertaining and inspiring news conference, Dr. Strickland described what it's like being the first Canadian woman to win the honour, and she also talks about being a working parent. She and her husband raised two children while pursuing their careers.

When asked (at the 10:50 min mark in the video) if she thinks that scientists have a responsibililty to the world, Dr. Strickland replied (in part), "We all should do what we find fun and what we can do." She went on to say that when her daughter was quite young her daughter was being asked by her friends about the fact that her mom went out to work instead of staying at home. Dr. Strickland told her daughter, "The world works best if we all do what we're good at."
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Donna Strickland is a mother, wife and winner of the 2018 Nobel Prize in Physics.
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Why Is My Child Self-Centered?

9/25/2018

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Submitted by "Experienced Mom"
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"... his interest in anything beyond himself remains pretty much non-existent."
Recently a parent, who gave up her career 18 years ago to focus on her children full-time, shared a frustration with me; her teenaged son is only interested in himself. Even as significant events swirl around him and she tries to explain their relevance to him, his interest in anything beyond himself remains pretty much non-existant.

I bit my tongue as I thought about what she'd said. It didn't surprise me for two reasons;
  1. For his whole life she'd been demonstrating that his needs were her highest priority ... almost all of the time. (Why was she surprised that he agreed and was modeling her behavior?)
  2. Self-centeredness isn't all that unusual for a teenager. Most start showing more interest in things beyond themselves as they mature.

When we balance family and work we make it very clear to our children that multiple priorities can be managed at the same time. Sometimes our children's needs are our highest priority and sometimes other things demand our attention. Our children learn, by watching us, that they are part of a world that is bigger than themselves and that their needs don't always deserve the most attention. This realization will help them better understand the world, their role within it, and how they can make valuable contributions.
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"Experienced Mom" has grown children. She and her husband worked full-time while they raised them. Each member of the family has been accused of being self-centered within the last year. 
Related story:
  • Help Yourself
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Risks and Rewards

6/27/2018

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Pointer to fascinating research about parenting and judging parents
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"... there is real harm in keeping an eye on the kids if you're keeping an eye on them every minute of every day."  -- Ashley Thomas
When our kids were growing up they flew alone from Denver to Detroit every summer to visit their grandparents in the Mitten State. They took their first trips when they were seven and eight and were so intent on going alone, they insisted on being there different weeks. Maximizing a rare chance for some undivided attention was probably their primary motivator.

Most of our friends and co-workers knew about the ritual, and I distinctly remember the time one of my co-workers, my manager actually, told me, "I would never let my children travel alone on a airplane." Apparently she wasn't impressed with our attempt to foster a strong sense of independence in our kids while ensuring some quality time with Grandma and Grandpa. Instead, she thought we were putting them at great risk. And I assume she thought the risk was greater than any potential reward.

This memory was triggered recently when a friend pointed me to an article written by Tania Lombrozo that was published on the NPR web site in 2016. It's called "Why Do We Judge Parents For Putting Kids at Perceived - But Unreal - Risk?" and references research* published in the open access journal Collabra. The article and research provide really fascinating, and sometimes surprising, information about how we perceive various risks parents take, and it draws attention to some thought provoking ideas like the following:
  • Driving a child to school generally puts them at greater risk of being harmed than letting them walk to school or ride a school bus.
  • Leaving a child alone in a parked car generally decreases the child's risk of being killed when compared to walking them through a parking lot.

Working parents need to make a lot of deliberate decisions about childcare, and this article makes it clear that society judges those decisions ... sometimes harshly. And sometimes unfairly and ignorantly. This article will get you thinking, hard, about making decisions that will help your children both short-term and long-term. It may build your confidence in terms of decisions you've made or are making. Or it may cause you to question some decisions. Either way, it'll make you think. 

File this story under "Fresh Thinking". And at least try to skim the article. It's really fascinating.
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Tania Lombrozo is a psychology professor at the University of California, Berkeley. She writes about psychology, cognitive science and philosophy, with occasional forays into parenting and veganism. You can follow her on Twitter @TaniaLombrozo.
​* More about the research: It included a series of clever experiments written by authors Ashley Thomas, Kyle Stanford and Barbara Sarnecka. They found evidence that shifting people's moral attitudes toward a parent influences the perceived risk to that parent's unattended child. Learn more.
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The Hate U Give

3/29/2018

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Book Review
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"My parents have this thing where they never want me or my brothers to talk to somebody without looking them in their eyes."  -- Starr
Being a working parent is a challenge. After reading the book The Hate U Give recently, I'm reminded that it's even more of a challenge for some parents, like those depicted in the book. This young adult novel was a book club "assigned read" and one that I feared would be a difficult one. But it was just the opposite. While the subject matter is heavy and revolves around a police shooting of an unarmed young man, the story is told in a way that is compelling and well-rounded. Along with the very difficult situations, there is love, laughter and teen-aged silliness (and angst).

Even though the book is targeted at readers much younger than me, I found it compelling, relevant, and very worthwhile. It made me realize than one person's idea of struggle just may be another's idea of privilege. If everyone in the US (at least) read this book, I think we might have at least a little less strife and a lot more understanding of each other.
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Angie Thomas was born, raised, and still resides in Jackson, Mississippi. She holds a BFA in Creative Writing from Belhaven University.
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Lesson Learned

9/19/2017

2 Comments

 
Submitted by Ann Brauch
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"The mistake did not ruin her life. In fact, I think she learned a lot from it." 
When my daughter Kirsten  was a senior in high school, she called me at work one morning toward the end of the school year very upset. She had overslept. And wouldn't you know that it was the morning of her AP Spanish exam. She flat out missed it. I felt horrible knowing that if I'd been a more attentive mother, I could have prevented the situation and the angst that followed. Kirsten was no slacker, and I hated thinking about the consequences she would endure in spite of all of her hard work.

Another mother, a friend who happened to be at school that day, overheard the teacher ball Kirsten out for the transgression in no uncertain terms. Apparently she did not go easy on her. Kirsten was and is a strong young woman, and interestingly, she didn't tell me that part of the story. She accepted full responsibility for her mistake. 

Luckily all was not lost, and a make-up exam was offered and taken. I'm sure you won't be shocked to read that Kirsten went on to college, graduated, and is now gainfully employed by a software company in the healthcare field. The mistake did not ruin her life. In fact, I think she learned a lot from it. For starters, I don't think she's overslept since!

As I look back on this experience with the benefit of hindsight, I can see that it was valuable. If I hadn't had my own work and priorities, I might have prevented the situation, and the lesson might not have been learned. At least not then. In some unexpected ways, I think the fact that both my husband and I work has required each of our kids to develop a strong sense of responsibility. And that is serving them well now that they are young adults.  
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Ann Brauch is a mother of three, wife, and software R&D program manager. She earned a BS degree in Electrical & Computer Engineering from the University of Colorado Boulder and a MS degree in Electrical Engineering from Stanford University.
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Then and Now: Fifty Years of Working

9/10/2017

4 Comments

 
Submitted by Theodosia Wicktor Ahern
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"It was apparently a 'maverick' sort of thing to do back in the day, and it’s apparently a 'maverick' sort of thing to do now."
​I'm 80 years old and raised three sons. Unlike most women my age, I worked and went to school while they were growing up. I'm sure that my work helped them become the strong, self-reliant and honorable men they are today. All three of them have married strong independent women who worked while they raised their children, and all three of my boys turned out to be excellent home chefs too. It's probably because they had a working mother.  

My sons were always interested in what I was doing, or where I was working. I think that contributed to their respect for women and appreciation for family. They turned out well in spite of, or maybe partly because of, the roles I had outside our home. 


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What Others Think

7/23/2017

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Submitted by Bruce Lundeby
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"Is it possible to succeed at everything?  
We don't know.  We're not trying."
One of the most useful books that my wife and I read that helped our parenting is Why Do You Care What Other People Think? by Richard Feynman. As I recall, there is not much content related to parenting. The focus of the book is the question of the title.

We resolved to refuse to make parenting a show for those around us. We were happy to watch, listen, and learn from the insight of others. But, we would not care whether others were impressed or distressed by the parenting we decided to practice.

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