Inspired by the Harvard Business Review podcast: "Couples That Work" About two months after our second child was born, I was interviewing for a new job. I'd spent the previous few years at a start-up that never came close to delivering the compensation I'd walked away from with my previous employer. So when I received a respectable offer to return to that "previous employer" as a contractor, and in a role I'd filled right out of college nine years earlier, I felt relieved, encouraged, and happy to get my foot back in the door. But my husband didn't feel the same way. He told me that if I took that job I'd "ruin the family name" because I was overqualified for it and capable of more. He thought I needed to continue my search until I found a position that better aligned with my experience and provided compensation that aligned with that experience. That wasn't exactly the encouraging response I was expecting, so I paused, and then I took his advice. A month later I landed a much better offer for a position that required the experience I'd acquired and would compensate me accordingly. My husband's surprising encouragement to walk away from the "lesser" offer really caught me off guard. I'd always appreciated that he supported me, but I'd never realized how much he respected my capabilities. It was a huge confidence booster, and in hindsight, a defining moment that kept my career on track at a time when it could have easily been derailed. (It's also worth mentioning that by pushing me to take on more responsibility at work, demands on his time at home were certainly going to increase, so he didn't have much to gain by pushing me to strive for more.) Of course I ended up taking the better offer, and I never looked back. It turns out that this kind of "tough love" advice is a trait found within successful dual career couples according to an interesting Harvard Business Review podcast called "Couples That Work". Guest Jennifer Petriglieri calls this providing a "secure base" and points out that this kind of encouragement, when one spouse actually pushes the other to move further outside the relationship, is how we thrive, develop and grow. Interestingly, it's often the same kind of encouragement we give to our children to ensure they become capable adults. Any couple that wants to strengthen their relationship and career opportunities should listen to at least the first 10 minutes of this podcast.
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Many mothers in the US lament the fact that, on average, women don't earn as much money as men. Some of these mothers sound frustrated. Some don't seem to understand the factors that influence pay. Some assume that employers conspire against them at worst, or unconscious biases exist at the very least. They feel underappreciated. There are other mothers who rarely mention this topic. Some of them are earning substantial incomes, working hard to manage demanding careers, and feeling adequately appreciated in the workplace. They are living a different reality and wonder why other women complain. Why is this? Why do some mothers feel underappreciated while others feel valued and well-compensated? There are probably many reasons, but one of them is that women sometimes receive different kinds of coaching and encouragement than men as they prepare for their careers. I write about this in the Working Parent Story Beyond the Benefits. Sheryl Sandberg writes about it in her book Lean In. It seems that many boys and men are advised to consider compensation expectations as they prepare for careers, but not as many girls and women receive that kind of advice. Too many women are encouraged to prepare for careers without considering the financial ramifications of their choices, and then they are surprised to learn that the jobs they qualilfy for don't pay well. If women were to approach career preparation differently, it's likely that mothers would opt out of the workplace less often and feel more appreciated on the job. When advising girls and young women, parents, teachers and mentors may want to ask themselves the question, "Would I give this advice to a boy or young man?" And if not, they should think about whether the girl or young woman deserves more. If you fear you may not be compensated fairly or your career may not be heading in the right direction, ask yourself this question: If men don't want my job, why do I?
Stories from some stars Working Parents are everywhere, and each of our stories is unique. In an attempt to share broader perspectives we searched online and found two interesting Working Parent Stories from the entertainment industry.
First, a humorous story from working mom, Lisa Kudrow, who makes no attempt to hide the fact that she values and nurtures her son's independence during her recent conversation with Jimmy Kimmel. (Note: The clip is mostly silly and entertaining, but we also found it encouraging and comforting.) The other example is from country music working parents Chris and Morgane Stapleton. A New York Times article about them published in May 2017 describes their decision to bring their kids along with them when they tour. (Look for the paragraph near the end of the article that starts out "I don't remember the momment ...") Their story provides a great reminder that each of us needs to chart our own course as we juggle family and career responsibilities.
Current events commentary
At Working Parent Stories we have a single focus; encouraging working parents who are committed to their kids and their careers. Since the beginning of time, most parents have needed to work, but it's a relatively new reality in many parts of the world to have men and women collaborating side-by-side as peers in the workplace. Norms continue to shift as expectations and opportunities for working parents evolve and the value of increased diversity in the workplace continues to reveal itself in new and interesting ways.
When we become parents, we take on the significant responsibility to nurture another human being. And when parents are able to make contributions beyond their own families, they further strengthen their children, families, and communities. This assertion has been exemplified recently via the value delivered by working parent Judge Rosemarie Aquilina. Judge Aquilina, a mother to five children and a grandmother, has presided over the sentencing of convicted criminal Larry Nassar, and she is credited with creating an environment that gave the victims the space they needed to tell their stories. As CNN anchor Michaela Pereira pointed out earlier today, Judge Aquilinia enabled the young women victims "to go from not being heard and believed to being heard, seen, validated, and believed." Judge Aquilina is 59 years old. Over the years it's possible, and maybe even probable, that she's had at least a few days when she may have felt like she had taken on too much as she balanced family and professional responsibilities. But the value of her most recent contributions are impossible to ignore. They enable us to clearly recognize that her extra effort has resulted in strengthened victims, families, and communities. Her work reminds each of us why our own work can be so important. It's impossible to know where our career paths will lead us, but it's encouraging when we are reminded that when we strive to apply our skills and use them to do the right thing, we are best positioned to make positive contributions. The work we do, and the examples we set, make a difference. Often progress occurs and we don't even realize it. When we're lucky, we can see the differences we make. Either way, the contributions matter.
Submitted by Norma Velasco-Hensley Some people assume that women who spend the majority of their time parenting have no other skills. I beg to differ and am striving to change that perception. When my kids (ages 8 and 10) were born, I stepped away from the workplace. The new experiences I encountered led me to my true passion; art, design, and technology. Having studied zoology in college, and then having worked in biomedical research, I needed to re-tool. So while the babies were sleeping, I went back to school at night and online. Now I run my own web development company (novel-creative.com), and I get to do what I love when I work. In an effort to encourage other moms, and change the mistaken perception that dedicated mothers lack skills, I started an instagram account; Smart Moms (@momsaresmarttoo). I want other moms to know that it’s ok to love your kids and love your work. I want to show that you can be a strong, smart individual, with goals and achievements beyond parenthood, and be a badass mom at the same time.
Submitted by Jim Haselmaier
My wife and I worked full-time while we raised our kids. We were at the same Fortune 100 company during most of those years, so in retrospect, our somewhat common work environment provided an interesting view of how one company treated working parents. We compared notes in a variety of situations, and by and large, we both felt like we were treated well and fairly. And we hoped, in some small way, we paved the way for other parents wanting to follow a similar path.
When our first child was born (1990), there was no FMLA (Family and Medical Leave Act) in the US. If an employee working for our company gave birth, she was offered a benefit that provided six weeks of partially paid medical leave, with an option to take up to two additional months of unpaid maternity leave. As we planned for our baby, we planned for the unpaid time off too. The benefit stipulated that upon her return to work, the new mother was guaranteed a job at the same level she'd had before taking the leave. It was a sweet deal, and we appreciated it. While this benefit was attractive to us, my wife and I both wanted to spend time with our newborn. And while we appreciated the maternity benefits offered, my options were a lot more limited and my status was not as well protected. We decided that rather than take a lot of time off together, I'd take the majority of my time off when my wife returned to work. We thought that four weeks at home for me would work well. We worked with the company to arrange a plan that made sense to us, and we were confused as we tried to understand why the company thought mothers should take time off with babies, but not fathers. As we were investigating how to make this happen, I vividly remember us sitting in the office of an HR manager discussing the situation. He very clearly told me: “You can take vacation time. And we might be able to find a way for you to take unpaid time off.” My response was immediate and clear: “When my wife finishes her medical leave there is no difference between us. Why does she get a maternity leave and I do not get a paternity leave?” HR’s response was, “That’s the way it is.” In an attempt to help us achieve our goal, the HR manager suggested that I could claim the time off would be spent caring for my father, who was ill at the time, but I had no interest in twisting the truth. We pushed forward to make it happen, but conversations with my manager didn't go any better. He told me that if I took the four weeks off, he'd have a job for me when I returned, but I would be demoted from my management position, so I'd return at a lower level. That only strengthened our resolve to make it happen. In the end, I stayed home for four weeks after my wife returned to work. The time at home alone with my baby daughter was fantastic. I mastered every aspect of her care, and we went on outings together. It was great to have that dedicated time with the newest member of our family. Interestingly, things at work went better than expected in the end. During the middle of my leave, my manager called me and said, “We had a manager leave. When you return, would you be willing to return as a manager?” I told him, “Well, as a matter of fact, I would!” In hindsight, this was one of the best outcomes I've experienced after being forced to make what seemed like a difficult decision (at the time). Twenty seven years later I'm not missing the four weeks of 1990 pay, I don't think it hurt my career, and I'd like to think that I may have planted a few ideas in the minds of HR and management that have supported new benefits that exist today. It's easy to complain about things not being the way you want them to be, but if you want to be a change agent, you sometimes need to be willing to take at least a small hit so that things will be better for others in the future. We're glad that in hindsight we hope our small step back in 1990 may have helped change things just a little and hope you might consider doing something similar if an opportunity presents itself to you.
Submitted by Kelly Coon Throughout the day, I wear a slew of different hats. I'm a mom to three boys and a rescue pup, a wife, a writer, an editor, and as of November of 2017, an author with a book deal from Penguin Random House. I'm over the moon to report that my first young adult fantasy is scheduled to be published in the fall of 2019. It recounts the tale of a 16-year-old healer's apprentice who must save a dying Sumerian king or her little sister will be buried alive to serve him in the Netherworld. My sons say it's spooky, but cool. After many years of dedicated work, it's thrilling to be able to say that the book (and its sequel) will be published. It's a lifelong dream fulfilled. A bucket-list item I can check off my list. But this excitement pales compared to the gift I received on Christmas morning. My 10-year-old son, Brady, made me save his gift for last. With bright eyes, he watched me intently as I tore into the package. To my surprise, nestled with the greatest of care inside a little box, was a Harry Potter snitch bookmark, a gift he'd given because, in his words, "Now, you're an author like J. K. Rowling." It's a trinket I will treasure every day of my life. For in that moment, he hadn't just recognized me as his mom, or his dad's wife, or the crazy person running around doing all the things I do on a daily basis; he'd seen my innermost passion, had recognized it, and had reached across from himself to me to express his shared joy in my journey. Nothing will ever touch that.
Submitted by Kelly Irwin Editor's Note: Lots of working parents make sacrifices so that the rest of us can enjoy the holidays. Here's a story from one of them. Thank you, Kelly! On Christmas day I can't help but remember back to so many previous years when I slept most of the day. I worked for a grocery store chain in the deli department. We'd work all night making party trays that were ready for pick-up on Christmas Eve. I'd finish an 18-hour shift on Christmas Eve day. One year was extra special. After working all night, I arrived at my friend George's house, and he asked me to be his wife. (I said yes :) We worked so hard so that people could have great holiday gatherings. I always fell asleep right after dinner on Christmas Eve and then slept well into Christmas day, almost missing the day completely. My son recently commented, "You worked hard and dedicated your skills to make other people's holidays, Mom. You should feel proud knowing that you made great party trays for people. And from what I remember as a kid, you enjoyed it. Kudos to you." He was right. I did love it. I'm very proud and blessed to have been able to do that kind of work. For the most part every job I've ever had has given me joy in one way or other. Submitted by The Mama Politic Both of my parents worked when I was growing up. My husband's parents did too. So I guess it's not surprising that my husband and I went back to work after our baby was born. (And soon. I was back part-time after five weeks and full-time when she was nine weeks old.) I need my work to feel happy and connected to the world. My husband understands and is very supportive. We are far from perfect, but he definitely has my back professionally. This may be difficult for some couples to understand. I get that and wonder if maybe it's because they didn't have role models like ours. While people don't always encourage working moms, I do think we've come a long way. Things are getting better. Back when I was in 3rd grade, my teacher once commented that she was sad for me. Her comment was prompted by the fact that my dad volunteered to attend a class field trip. Dads didn't do that very often back then. My mom had been very busy with job deadlines, and so my dad, who we didn't see as much during the workweek, was thankful to be able to attend. And even at that young age, I remember thinking the teacher's comment was odd because it didn't make me feel sad. I was glad he could come! When I told my mom how my teacher felt, she told me that people said weird things to her too. She also told me that it was "none of their business". I grew up in Chicagoland, where plenty of moms worked, so it's a little surprising that people weren't more supportive. My husband also endured some negativity because his mom worked. He grew up in a small farming community in rural Missouri with a population of ~1,000. His mom was very ambitious and ran her own tax business. She was almost 41 years old when he was born, and, get this, he was born in April! That meant she was back at work (finishing tax returns) just days after he was born. He was her fourth kid, so by the time he arrived she knew the routine and just did what needed to be done. Her husband, my husband's dad, always supported her work, but apparently it bothered some other people. While she is considered a pillar of the community, she's also been considered "peculiar" by at least a few. My husband told me that once, when he was in school, he got into a fight with someone who made fun of him because his mom worked. And when he misbehaved at school, teachers told him it was because his mother "neglected him". Hopefully our kids won't have any stories like these. Lots of parents I know, including my husband and me, work very hard to prove the remaining doubters wrong. And we'd like to think that our parents already have.
Submitted by Kathy Haselmaier
Few people I know find it easy to keep their house clean while raising kids, and we were no different. But I need some semblance of order to be able to think (and I mean that quite literally), so we kept things under control by hiring someone to come in and clean once a week. We actually started doing this the month we were married and didn't cut back to every-other-week help until our youngest left for college.
One of the biggest benefits of cleaning help is that you have to pick up your stuff before they arrive. Otherwise they'll spend too much time just moving stuff around. So one night a week (the night before cleaning day) we all engaged in a mad dash to put our stuff away. Everyone pitched in, and it always felt like a crisis. There was whining, there were accusations, and at least one of us was usually disgruntled about something. Then, when the task was finished, we rewarded ourselves with ice cream. I get that not every family is in a position to hire someone to help with cleaning, but every family could modify this idea to meet at least some of their own cleaning needs. It's also worth noting that the older the kids got, the less they whined about it. By the time they were in junior high or high school, it was just a thing that they did. What I liked most was that it kept things from getting totally out of control, and the ice cream enabled us to end on a good note.
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